Unlimited vision... limited sight

So for several years I have been struggling with vision loss. I have always considered myself a person who had limited sight, but unlimited vision. The past few weeks have rocked me to the core in such sublte ways that I can't realize it until everything starts falling away.

Today I realized I am a person who has unlimited vision, but limited sight. Why the difference? I lost some more vision this year. I now use a cane and have been more reliant on others for help. Around this time last year I reached out to the department of rehabilitation to try and get some support and have, instead, been disempowered and marginalized. It has been nearly a year and I still have NO mobility training, all of the cane work I do is self-taught (except the 10 minutes the lady at the store shared with me). I have FINALLY gotten in touch with a support group that meets sometime other than in the middle of my work day. I have to explain AGAIN how I do NOT qualify for most of the scholarships due to the fact that I am trying to remain independent and working but need help with school since we barely make our bills each month.

Apparantly, the only way one qualifies for help of any kind is if they completely give up, quit working and go on the public dole. The way my case has been handled has been HORRIBLE, I turned in an application and when I called a month later was told it was "in process" and to wait. When I called back three months later I was told that they had not done anything with my application, and was apologized to. However it still took quite some time to take the next step of meeting with my case carrier. My case carrier is also blind and while I understand why they made this match, it has led to no end of strife in my life. The case manager is a nice enough person, but the assistant who is responsible for working with us has created more problems than solutions. On my first meeting with the manager, I signed multiple forms. One form was a release for medical information from my doctor. The assistant did not fill out this form correctly, which resulted in a two month process of sending and returning the document prior to any discussion around what they would do to help. I returned (and took another day off work) to the office FINALLY only to find that the assistant asked me to fill out this paperwork, again, for which my released records had been sitting in another office for weeks.

I have gotten several phone calls from the telephones for the deaf, apparantly she signed me up for a hard-of-hearing phone service even though I am VISUALLY disabled, not auditorially. I think this all went wrong on the first visit. My manager asked me to sign several releases and, having partial sight, I balked at signing a completely blank release of my medical information (no info on the document as to whom would get the info, nor the info to be released) and asked them to send me a filled in form to sign as the assistant (I assume) didn't feel like filling it out while I was there. I never recieved that document in the mail and did not get access to the assistance we were requesting until the second DAY OFF I had to take to try and get some help.

My case manager sent me a letter about my request for assistance with school costs (the only assistance I actually sought) which stated that I needed to meet with my employer and also apply for scholarships with organizations supporting the blind. This is a great idea, except that the letter was sent on March 25 and the deadline for scholarships (for which one must have a letter of recommendation from the case manager... like that is going to happen in a timely fashion!) was March 31. I have continually been set up for failure and disempowered. The most supportive experience I have had in the past year has been with the UC Berkeley personnnel it has taken more than 6 months to see. It has taken so long due to the mishandling of my case at the local level, not due to Berkeley's schedule. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! I have lost so much hope and have felt like a powerless victim for the first time in the past 13 years since my disability was identified. I can't seem to focus on getting my work done on time and have lost all organization. I kinda don't care right now. Maybe I should just quit everything.

The doctoral program is a challenge, but mostly in overcoming my own issues. Even when we were on the verge of losing the house, even when I am working three jobs to try and make it all work out and support my family while I still can, I neer felt so out of vontrol. Is this why the DoR does this to people? Are they trying to make me give up so they don't have to help me after I have paid taxes for the past 23 years? I don't know what to do. I really really don't.

Maybe I will write to Arnold, Obama and my local politicians. Could be a good public interest story in this time of budget cuts... If I treated my students the way I have been treated I would be fired.